The Code of Motherhood

Published in The Fauquier Times-Democrat, Weekend Edition, on 6/08/12

The Code of Motherhood, Section 5.42, states that a mother, (a truly good, loving mother, if such a creature exists) will, at all times, (barring death or dismemberment), “be there” for each and every performance of each and every child. I do not speak of the dramatic performances some children employ at home to register dissatisfaction or rage in order to get what they want. (People of an older and less astute generation and those who did not understand child psychology or the proper use of euphemisms, used to refer to these displays of independence and willpower as “throwing a temper tantrum” or “having a fit.”) These are not the performances I refer to. In fact, the Code of Motherhood specifically excuses, and possibly even forbids, you from having to witness such performances.

 

No, the performance to which I allude is the type in which you typically pay for your child to learn some amazing feat or skill and then pay again to attend a recital in which they perform these amazing feats or skills. By default, the Code requires you to photograph these furiously. If you are really a good mother, you will also buy the DVD or videotaped version of this performance for a mere $ 35. This will be a DVD that will sit on your shelf because you will never have time to dust it, much less to watch it. When you are in a mood or situation in which you are finally able to watch this, typically with a proud grandparent or a curious friend about, you will realize that your memories are warped. The DVD is inexplicably scratched. On replay, some sections are pixelated or slow down or tend to repeat like some sort of an electronic stutter. In other words, the DVD you never had time to dust has beaten you to the task and has bitten the dust.

 

The third type of performance is free, but don’t let that fool you. It is equally critical that you attend this as well. It is typically held at school or after school. If you are following the Code correctly, each child is supposed to participate in some sport (other than running his or her mouth) and some form of music (other than playing you like a fiddle). Drama, scholastic bowls, chess tournaments, and exploits with robotics may also be involved. According to the Code, so should you.

I have already failed entire sections of the Motherhood Code, but this is not the sort of test on which you can give up. You test daily, and your grade always hangs in the balance. You need to keep trying to pass. Even if you have passed in the past, you can’t get all smug and complacent about it. The standards will now be higher. You will be required to volunteer at these events by baking goods and raising funds and possibly shuttling children about. Don’t think you’re just going to get away with plain old showing up anymore.

Last week, I mentioned that I attended my daughter’s college graduation with no batteries in my camera. Smooth. This week, I pulled one that makes that stunt look like saintly behavior.

According to the Code, I would have to attend this event/function/performance. Also, because I am currently not teaching or commuting, and am always looking for any opportunity to flee from housework, I would gladly attend. By the way, did I tell you that I will be teaching middle school math in the County in the fall? I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a secret, so I will be vague about what school.

I’m trying to be careful because we have recently seen that while the Principal of a school, via the County, can giveth an offer, the Principal can also taketh away. Even though I’m not coaching any sports this fall, I would like to be careful. And employed.

Next year, the Code may allow me to miss a performance or two. But for now, I have no escape clauses. Besides, what were my alternatives to attending: Studying for another exam, paying bills, de-junking or doing housework? I could wing the awards ceremony, even if it started at 8:00 am, and my younger children’s bus leaves at 8:03 am. Arrangements could and would have to be made. Don’t forget that the Code of Motherhood, Section 7.9 states that you will spend one-third of your time making arrangements (not the floral kind), so you can use the other two-thirds of your time in a neurotically efficient manner. More next week…

I had received a letter in the mail advising me to attend the 8th grade recognition ceremony because my son would be receiving an award. The letter was conspiratorial in nature: The students only knew about the ceremony, but no specifics of what they were to receive. Naturally, I can keep a secret. Just because I share numerous idiotic secrets in a county-wide column, does not mean I can’t keep one or two of them.

Whizzing by in a flash? Not without batteries...

Published in The Fauquier Times-Democrat, Weekend Edition, Fri. 6/1/12

Last month, my eldest daughter graduated from college. Both of us wondered when and where those eight semesters went. Everyone tells the student how quickly the education went, but if I recall clearly, that final semester seems interminable for the student herself.

 

By primary and secondary schooling standards, the time spent on courses in college is stripped to skeletal levels. All the fleshing of time is picked clean off the subject and the class is reduced to the bare bones of lecture, lab, clickers, and exams. In college, the student is expected to flesh out the subject by reading tomes every week. It helps to understand what is read, too, of course. So, no reading when sleep deprived or while intoxicated or while checking text messages and status updates.

 

Ever notice that the more a student pays for education, the less there seems to be of it? It’s like those fancy dinners that are served on plates with miniscule portions. Many colleges and universities have mind-boggling price tags, yet the students seem to be forever on break. They start school late, end by early December, it seems, and they don’t return to school until the end of January. There has to be the week off at Thanksgiving or in the spring, and by early May, they’re out.

For this, you need only go to school for a mere 16 weeks a semester to complete an entire course. For most classes, you won’t attend class daily, either. Perhaps, you will go to class every other day. Some cheeky students may not attend class at all if there is a liberal attendance policy. Public education at the elementary and middle and high school levels is free for the student, but the students are required to attend. Higher education, of course, is not free. Far from it. Light years away, in fact.

We were in Baltimore to attend the ceremony at Johns Hopkins University where my daughter graduated in electrical engineering. We and many more people than parking spaces flooded that part of the city. It was interesting to watch the procession that began at 8:40 AM from the point of view of the shoes that were donned beneath the uniform gowns. If I had taken the correct camera with me, I could have made a whole mini-commentary based on the shoes chosen for the event. It would have been similar to the ones that fashionable papers sport, showing the various hats chosen for events like Gold Cup. In addition to capturing the triumphant glow on my daughter’s face, her hair that had coiled itself in ringlets in response to the hot and humid morning, I wanted to track which students chose to march in flip-flops, and which ones were planning to spend the next four hours with their feet strapped into clogs or stilettoes.

Instead, when I whipped out “my” camera, I felt its odd lightness in my hands, indicating that it held none of the required AA batteries. I made vile mental commentaries to and about myself. While we could see and shout out at my daughter, I did not capture it with pictures. In this day and age, it practically means it didn’t happen. If you have no pictures, do you have the memories? We have a mile of videotape, the Super 8, but we did not have our stills. I considered befriending another, better prepared, parent to take a picture and then email it to me, but decided to restrain my usual chatty self.

My husband would probably resent this divulgence of improper planning. He would recoil at the breach of privacy this would entail. I had the argument with myself to save my husband the effort and decided that he was right.

 

Maybe when our eldest decides to do a graduate degree, I will double check my camera for batteries. It would just take a couple of years to do the degree and it would stave off the paying back of student loans for a little while. What’s a couple of years, anyway? It would, undoubtedly, fly by.

Local fame going to the dogs

Published in The Fauquier Times-Democrat, Weekend Edition on Fri. 5/18/12.

“A local celebrity.”  That’s how I’ve heard myself described on several occasions now.  (None of these occasions involve me chanting in front of a mirror, thank you.)  It’s the way others have described me.  Each time this happens, I have to turn and check to make sure it isn’t the mayor or the school superintendent standing behind me.  When I hear someone say I’m a local celebrity, I have to laugh.  It would be flattering if it weren’t downright funny. 

People recognize me at the grocery store or at the library or a school event, or wherever my errands and my lethargic legs take me.  They act amazed; yet I don’t know why.  All I do is write some drivel about myself or some embarrassing episodes about my kids.  For this, the editor saves me a spot every week into which I slide at the last possible second.  True, there is the one nice picture of me, which is static and in good control, not packing on pounds or sprouting gray hairs the way the real, living, me is.  I don’t think we’ll change the picture just yet since people can still recognize me as “Are you the lady in the paper?”

My likeness and my words may be in this paper, but I’m no celebrity.  If you want to see a true “local celebrity” in action, drive by my neighborhood any weekday around noon.  The real celebrity is our hyperactive Jack Russell (isn’t that redundant?) terrier, pre-named Betty Lou.  She is the one tugging ahead of me.  I, your humble servant, am the one trudging behind, possibly carrying dog deposits if she has chosen to relieve herself of weighty, pressing matters.  She is groomed and beaming at the world.  I am tired and unkempt, hunched over, and scooping up canine crap into an inverted plastic bag.  Who’s the celebrity?

This dog, I am convinced, is the winner, hands (or paws) down.  She has other people making sure she is fed, groomed, and looking good.  She only goes out in public after careful preparations, chief of these would be the leash.  A leash is to a dog what a public relations manager is to a celebrity.  It keeps them in check and makes sure nothing gets released when it shouldn’t.  Betty Lou also has a personal trainer – several, in fact.  We are not yet certain of the efficacy of the training because it varies dramatically from trainer to trainer.  Some like to blame the incompetence of the trainer, while others (usually said trainer) like to blame the limited intelligence of the dog.  Our canine has no truly useful skills.  I suppose if we lived on farmland and needed her services in tracking down vermin, she might deign to be of service.  But she serves no such purpose in our home.  Basically, her value is to amuse and to entertain.  Again, I make my case that Betty Lou has all the qualifications to be a celebrity.

It is true that our dog happens to be a blogger.  She goes out daily and reads all the posts.  Some pique her interest, and she rushes deeper to get a better sniff of the topic.  These often require a second read-through.  With others, her ears express alarm or dismay at the news and she stands alert for a moment.  No matter how large or small, she always makes sure to post her own response to whatever olfactory remarks the original or previous blogger posted.  She has a set of posts that she reads daily, and she makes sure to leave comments at each of these sites.  I am sure she is well known in the community, even if she has not personally met all of her readers.

Betty Lou also has an unhealthy interest in being well liked by people.  At home, she might lie around and struggle with depression.  She might have a drinking habit (although right now it’s limited to water) that you don’t know about.  She may behave somewhat snappy when tired, or eat all the wrong sorts of foods.  (We once caught her literally walking across the top of the dining table, like some sort of a cat.  Perhaps she had planned to be dancing on the tables in our absence, but I suspect the allure was a someone’s leftovers.  My children are careful to push their chairs in now so she can’t gain access.)  She might be hiding all sorts of bad habits at home, but the moment there is another human hovering in the area, she puts on her best show.

The one thing she can’t stand is other dogs.  Some people say her dog aggression may have to do with her upbringing.  (We got her from a dog shelter.)  Others say it is something about the breed that has to be worked out of them.   In either case, I suspect it is jealousy.  She wants to be the star.  And at home, she is.

Happy Octopus Day!

Published in The Fauquier Times-Democrat, Weekend Edition on Friday, May 11, 2012 

Sunday is Mother’s Day, and if you have the fortune of having your mother around, show her a little love and appreciation, no matter your age.  I’m sure you think you are that perfect offspring, one whose very existence makes motherhood meaningful.  Don’t flatter yourself.  Get her a few flowers – handpicked ones, even little wildflowers, are fine.

 

You might be cute and you might be sweet, but you should realize that birthing you probably involved some level of pain.  Even if you were adopted, and have no contact with your birth mother, your adoptive mother probably endured pain too, though it might have been more emotional or bureaucratic than physical in nature.  The pain associated with acquiring you, in whatever manner, would have rapidly paled in comparison to the pain that arose from your maintenance and upkeep.  And look at yourself now.  You have been nurtured to a point where you are a decent and caring person who is intelligent enough to read this column.  Get her a card or make one.   That would validate the decent and caring part of my theory about you.

When I think of mothers, I think of the octopus.  On so many levels, mothers have to be like the amazing octopus.   You might think that’s because the octopus has eight arms, and so often, mothers seem to need them all to juggle the demands of the brood.  If an arm is lost, it can grow back later.  I view this as an analogy for women who make sacrifices for their young.  For some, it might be their careers.  For others, it might be their figures.  For a sad few of us, it is both.

Hopefully you did not think to yourself that the octopus, being an invertebrate, has no backbone, and therefore the analogy shows your mother to be some sort of soft and spineless individual.  Never forget that the octopus has a hard beak for dealing with prey (and possibly rude children like you), and is capable of injecting poison.   Rather, you should realize that the soft-bodied cephalopod is consummately flexible.  This means you can keep tossing things onto its to-do list, and somehow, your trusty octopus, will juggle it in.  Like many modern women, the octopus is able to get into and out of tight spaces, with some exceptions made for parallel parking SUVs in Old Town.

The octopus, like your mother, is highly intelligent.  In laboratories, it (the octopus, not your mom) can find its way in mazes, (think of driving and directions) and can unscrew jars to get to a snack.   While the advent of the GPS seems to have suppressed my intuitive sense of direction on the road, I can still find, and get to, the snacks.

The octopus can be playful and changes colors to indicate its mood.  The octopus is a master of camouflage, adapting itself to not only the coloring of its surroundings, but also to patterns and movements of other creatures.  In other words, the octopus can figure out how to get along in differing environs.   Also, the octopus tends to fortify and decorate its lair with shells.

The octopus can jet around quite fast.  Have you seen the speed at which your mother can/could move when expecting company?  How about when behind the wheel?  One of those arms is attending to the steering while another is wiping up a stain on the seat beside it. A third arm is sending a snack to the backseat, while the fourth arm has just confiscated the toy is being fought over.  Arm five is adeptly handling the cell phone, while arm six is adjusting the music in the car to suit everyone’s taste, except the mother, because she is just used to making sacrifices like that.  Arm seven is able to wield a hairbrush and makeup for a quick touchup before arrival and arm eight of course, is suctioned around that omnipresent coffee-cup.  

You’re thinking this image is ridiculous because nobody’s listening to the radio anymore; the kids are listening to music individually or watching a DVD back there.  Or maybe you’re wondering why the hairless octopus needs a hairbrush when just the lipstick will do.  Or maybe you know that the octopus is deaf.  And that’s not due to the noisy children.  Another breakdown in the analogy: the real octopus is a solitary creature.  I haven’t known many women who were like that.  Or maybe I don’t know them because they are solitary.

I started thinking of the octopus several years ago, when we got a book called Nico’s Octopus by Caroline Pitcher.  (http://www.amazon.com/Nicos-Octopus-Caroline-Pitcher/dp/1566564832.)   It’s a beautifully illustrated, touching story of a little boy (Nico) who finds an octopus and keeps it for a pet.  Nico learns much about the octopus, but the most heartrending is in her transformation to motherhood. 

The mother octopus lays around two hundred-thousand eggs and hangs strings of them from the ceiling of her lair.  She guards and fans these eggs to keep them oxygenated.  For the entire month or two, she does not hunt and does not eat.  Shortly after the babies emerge, the mother dies of starvation.  In humans, the decline is not as rapid, thankfully.

Make sure you thank your octopus this weekend.

The Bison and the Hick on the Plains of Ohio

Published in The Fauquier Times-Democrat, Weekend Edition on Fri. April 27, 2012

Before we know it, SOL testing, like any other spring-time allergen, will be upon us and our children.  I remember the year we had moved to Ohio in 2001.  I was still a die-hard homeschooling mom then, so I only sent my children into school at the end of the year to take the proficiency tests alongside their public-schooled counterparts.

 My fourth-grader came home that day looking a little ruffled.  And it wasn’t the test that had ruffled her.  It was something else.  As mother, inspector, corrector, and protector, I needed to investigate.

Being an Indian mother, my greatest fear for my children, after academic failure, is the possibility that one might grow faint from hunger.  Correction: that a child of mine might even experience it.  Perhaps she was just hungry.  People who are hungry, sleepy, tired, stressed, or in pain can be a little crabby.  I think that sums up about 90% of the human condition for 90% of the population.  (Self included.)

Immediately following the debriefing on the difficulty level of the test and how well she felt she had fared, I honed in on the next burning question.  Had they been served any snacks?  “Not really,” she said.  “They just gave us some kind of a hick drink.” 

A hick drink?  What was a hick drink?  Sweetened ice tea?  An “Arnold Palmer” with its interesting blend of lemonade and sweet tea?  Besides, wherever had this child learned such language?  Surely, I had never referred to Ohio as such.  Granted, we had left gorgeous, hilly, water-clad Northern California for Central Ohio.  Central Ohio was flat.  There was a simulated beach within driving distance.  At the edge of a dam, a “beach” had been created by volumes of finely ground gravel dumped onto the shore.  The wake of the motorboats created a sort of wave action for those of us soaking in the pebbles and the sun.  Note I did not say “the sand and the sun.”

 Ohio was family-friendly, of course.  It was family- friendly in the same way that a stray mutt has to be.  It’s a matter of survival.  Ohio could never rival California in natural splendor, resources, attractions, or weather.  It was like comparing the voluptuous Marilyn Monroe to the charming Shirley Temple.  You can’t.  People always rushed to conferences in California, but no one bothered to convene in Columbus.  Still, Ohio was our new home, and I had never called it a “hick” place.

I stalled for time and probed further, “What do you mean, exactly, when you say it was ‘some kind of a hick drink’?”  Somewhat exasperated, she said it was a fruit punch of some sort.  Then it dawned on me.  She had been served a box of “Hi-C.”  I knew that it was pronounced “High C” as in, allegedly high in Vitamin C.  Among my many nutritional transgressions, which I have been guilty of, and can currently be accused of, serving boxed Hi-C drinks was not one of them. 

I remembered the TV jingle from my childhood, “They’ve got Hi – C!  They’ve got Hi – C!...”  My children were not avid or addicted watchers of children’s TV shows, so there was no exposure to the modern commercials either.  Hence, she thought “Hi-C” was pronounced as “hick.”

But that wasn’t what had miffed her.  Before the round of tests, while my daughter familiarized herself with the desk-and-attached chair, a student informed her that the teacher’s name was Mrs. Bison.  Need I mention that the teacher was unusually heavy-set? 

My daughter practiced her best manners by addressing the teacher properly and formally.   “Um, Mrs. Bison, I was wondering if I could sharpen my pencil,” she began as she presumptuously started toward the pencil sharpener.

The teacher’s sunny disposition took a mercurial U-turn.  The happy, hefty, woman suddenly bellowed, “Young lady, sit down in your chair!”

Having been homeschooled, my children were not used to being yelled at…by others, that is.  I did engage in plenty of yelling, but that was as natural in our home as running water.  It didn’t really count; it was just my natural dialect and a means of efficient communication.  Being yelled at by an outsider, though - that was something different, entirely.

Of course, you guessed it.  The woman’s last name was not Bison at all.  It was something confusing and hyphenated, like Neiler-Byce or vice versa.  (And not Versa-Vyce.)  The other student must have gotten a good laugh later, I suspect.  I am assuming a child who was naughty enough to have set my daughter up would also have been clever enough to suppress his laughter.  Like a little criminal, you know?  He probably laughed and bragged later how he had gotten the visiting student to call the teacher a Buffalo kinswoman.

I wonder if that kid is still laughing.

Black Friday Shopping – the Best Training Grounds

Published in The Fauquier Times-Democrat, Weekend Edition, on Fri. 3/30/2012

I’ve never been to a Black Friday Sale the day after Thanksgiving, but I think I know how those shoppers feel.  In lieu of conducting interviews and doing background reading, I’m going to base my understanding of said shoppers’ psychology on myths, legends, and sensationalized media reports.  For a column like this, that’s practically the same as conducting interviews and doing research.

We’ve all read about shoppers stampeding for discount electronics and people emerging from the fray with the last $ 15 DVD player clutched as tightly as if it were the Golden Goose herself.  The victorious shopper might end up wearing the imprint of the less successful bargain shopper’s shoe stamped on their backside, but who cares?  Shopper Superior has got that DVD player at what amounts to a steal, so if a little violence was involved, that’s to be expected.

Of course, you’ve read those stories about those kinds of shoppers.  Admit it.  Reading about someone’s egregious or bizarre behavior usually takes precedence over reading about the advances in medical research, developments in the Middle East Peace Process, or the latest blip in the economy, like watching for vital signs in a patient who has been comatose for years.

Let’s examine the characteristics of these shoppers: They line up at ungodly hours; they tend to pounce on any bargain that isn’t moving; they tend to pounce on any bargain that might be moving, too.  Sometimes, unfortunately, getting to the bargain requires that they step over, or possibly even on, other shoppers who might be slower and less efficient.  They are a little desperate.

As a bona fide substitute teacher for Fauquier County, you can have the experience of being a Black Friday shopper every time you try to land a position.  The system works like this: all the substitutes have access to a website where “jobs” are posted whenever a teacher posts his or her expected absence.  Since this is web-based, it can happen at any time.  Access to this website is restricted to those who have submitted an application, completed the training, had their backgrounds checked and their fingerprints cleared, and submitted transcripts and reference letters.

At last count, there were 770 substitutes for the 898 teachers employed by the school system.  This means that you, along with 769 other people, might be viewing this webpage all at once, waiting for that sole vacancy to be posted.  If you click on the job first, and immediately pounce on the button that says “Accept,” you get to be that teacher’s substitute.  After you accept, you can bother with the minor details of which school, what day, and what time to report.  Also, very helpfully, the teacher’s name, the subjects taught, and any other notes are posted.  According to more heavy-duty research conducted for this column, the average time that elapses between a teacher posting a vacancy and it being nabbed by a substitute is eight minutes.  Eight minutes. 

But that was back in the days of the Pony Express, I believe.  That data was announced in the fall, and it had to have come from last year.  I would love to get updated data, because I have watched that Aesop website off and on, and there has only been one job that sat there longer than three minutes.

Once, when I was young and innocent to the Aesop system, I was looking at the details of a job.  I turned momentarily to ask my husband whether he thought this sounded like a good idea.  By the time I turned my head to click “Accept” the job was gone!

If you are the careful and considerate sort of person who is going to contemplate whether or not you truly feel qualified to serve as a substitute for a language class in which you have neither expertise nor experience, you can forget it.  Someone else will have clobbered the job first.

Most of the times, the “Search for Jobs” page of the website is blank except for a message in red:  All qualifying jobs are currently filled. However, please review this web site periodically for new job listings.

The wording here should be revamped to: “Sorry, Slowpoke, someone else beat you to it again.  Why don’t you keep hitting refresh, and work on improving your hand-eye coordination in the meantime?”

So watching this page is imperative.  It is also vital that you have nothing else to do , like actual work, that could interfere with your latest work of watching this page like a hawk, or like a vulture.  When a job is posted, the whitespace will be filled with glorious data announcing details of the vacancy.  It’s like seeing a shooting star!

At this point, you have five seconds to jump on it.  Let’s hope your fingers and your internet connection are fast.  And woe to you if you have never been a Black Friday shopper.

Vineeta’s “Adventures in Vulture-land”

Published in The Fauquier Times-Democrat, Weekend Edition on 3/23/12

Last year, I was teaching five different subjects a day.  Now, I am on a self-inflicted sabbatical.

Last semester, I was writing three to four scholarly papers per week with references and in-text citations in order to obtain a teaching license. Now, I am only writing this weekly column.  The only references I need to make here are snide ones.

Since I am neither teaching nor doing the onerous research-based writing, you might be wondering what I am doing with all of this extra time.  Sometimes, I wonder that myself.

I now have the Virginia Department of Education’s teaching license in hand, so I am supposed to be job hunting.  This column is my leisure activity, and therefore cannot be counted as real work.

I am preparing to take another Praxis II Exam next month to add to my current endorsements for Middle School Math and Middle School English.  Phase II of the Career Switcher program, which requires “only” three papers a month, additional training and classes, and establishing our own teacher’s website, will kick back in this May.  (It will probably give me a kick in the backside right about then too.)  I’ve been helping with a seminar on electronics that my eldest son is leading at Mountain Vista Governor’s School.  I’ve also served on the Middle School Math Textbook Adoption Committee with middle school teachers and other parents under the County’s Instructional Supervisor for Math, Kim Raines, who is a National Board Certified Teacher with years of experience.

Yes, I still have children, a household, dirty dishes, and mountains of de-junking.  Writing this column and padding my teaching portfolio are all just elaborate schemes to avoid this sort of domestic drudgery.  Fortunately, I have one of those academic, intellectual sorts of husbands who values learning over an immaculate house.  He’s thrilled when I can discuss the latest reading that I’ve done in electronics and doesn’t seem to notice that the house may cave in on us at any moment. 

Once, when he was in his microscopy stage, he came in off the front porch absolutely thrilled.  The two big planters that flank the door had been devoid of any decorative plants for quite some time.  They were filled with stagnant water.  “My gosh, Vin, this is great!” he gushed as he rushed to grab a Petrie dish to collect a sample.  “We’ll probably see some larvae in here.”  He asked me not to disturb the planters.  It’s pretty tough keeping up with such domestic demands, but I try.  Or don’t.  It works – so far.

I have found another way to keep abreast of teaching while avoiding housework: I am now on the substitute teachers’ roster for Fauquier County Schools. 

Years ago, I had been a substitute teacher, but fell off the roster.  Two years of inactivity as a public school substitute while I worked full time in private schools was just enough to do the trick.  You know that saying, “I’ve fallen down and I can’t get up?”  Once you fall off the roster, you have to go through the entire process of registering, attending the day-long training, having your background checked, and getting your fingerprints cleared all over again.

And that’s not a bad thing.  I doubt anyone would complain about those who spend time with our county’s school children being scrutinized as carefully as possible.  Sometimes, even that has not been enough.  No man knows the heart of another.  We can check and be checked as much and as carefully as possible.  And that’s a good thing. 

The screening may not be quite perfect, because guess who might have been in your child’s classroom recently?  Yes, you’re looking at her.

So far, I have subbed at Mountain Vista Governor’s School, Kettle Run High School, Warrenton Middle, and P.B. Smith Elementary School.  It’s a great way to interact with our best and brightest, even if they’re not acting their best and their brightest. 

Sometimes, students confuse the teacher’s day out of the classroom as their day off.  Sometimes, students confuse the substitute for a warm body with a pulse.  I realize that basic physiological functions help qualify me to be in the classroom, but it needs more than that.  Much more.  We are valued and needed professionals, absolutely vital, or so we are told.

Yet being a substitute makes me feel something like a vulture.  It’s not just for the bird’s appealing looks, or its claim to elegance.  It’s the bird’s remarkable ability to polish off leftovers of questionable freshness.  It’s that waiting for something to fall.

I don’t want your child’s teacher to be sick, or have a sick child, or to be hauled in for jury duty, or professional development, necessarily, but that’s how I can get into their classroom. Somebody needs to be out. 

According to the FCPS website, “Fast Facts 2011-2012 School Year,” our schools had 11,205 students enrolled last year, taught by 887 full-time teachers.  Guess how many substitute teachers are on the rosters right now?  770. 

So not only do you have to be a vulture, you have to be a quick vulture – or a well-liked vulture – one who is specifically requested.  More next week.