Starting Monday, I’ll be teaching geometry, pre-algebra, 6th grade math, biology, and middle school life science. If this column starts to look a little ratty, you’ll know why. It will match my house. I can almost recall the original color of my bathtub. I don’t mean to gross you out. I’m not normally this acutely filthy, but if things start growing around my house, I can always claim it for, and blame it on, science. This is the biology teachers’ variant of saving paper towel tubes: collecting furry paper towel tubes.
But that’s not the best part about being a teacher. At long last, I can be on the other side of the school supply list. Ah, sweet revenge.
Have you noticed the feature-creep on school supply lists? I recall when boxes of tissues first snuck in and settled themselves just below the boxes of pencils on the list. Placing them there lent an air of legitimacy. We acquiesced, albeit grudgingly. After all, some children’s noses run as much as other children’s mouths.
Next was the incursion of the hand sanitizer, required to wage microscopic war against classroom germs. Now the school supply list includes sandwich bags. Are the students going to collect germs to bring home? I’m not sure, but if my children are going to be in your classroom, and you said you want sandwich bags, I’ll be sending them in. I’d rather you have a good impression of my kids. Sandwich bags? Check. Just say the word.
So now it’s my turn to make a school supply list. Here are some things my students need to bring to class, weekly:
1 dozen eggs
1 gallon of milk or ½ gallon of Silk (soymilk) or ½ gallon of Rice Dream
1 loaf of bread
3 cans of tuna or 2 cans of salmon
1 box of pasta
How do these supplies relate to their education? They don’t. But it does keep Teacher and her family fed, and having a teacher in the classroom has sometimes been shown to be conducive to learning. Before the school year ends, just to make the parents feel better, I may allow a slice of bread to mold and then view it under the microscope. I might even let the students take a peek too. Granted, this exercise may perturb the geometry students, but at least it will justify the school supply list.
Or, from the hundreds of eggs I will collect during the school year, I might select one egg to put it in vinegar. The students could examine and handle the egg with only its membrane after the calcium dissolves from the shell. Ooh, did I forget to tell you? Each student will also need to bring in one gallon of vinegar. Add that to your list, please.
Monthly, students need to bring:
1 bag of dog food
1 voucher for gasoline
1 canister of coffee
1 tube of lipstick
Teachers who are well caffeinated promote a better classroom environment. Hey, I don’t want any smart comments about the lipstick. Basic needs are basic needs. There is enough ugliness in this fallen world of ours. You don’t really want your children exposed to more in the classroom, do you? I thought not.
Just be glad I didn’t ask for mascara. And thank you, but the dog food is not for my personal consumption, even though I pride myself in not being a picky eater. The dog food is for our ultra-friendly shelter dog, Betty Lou who threatens to lick everyone to death.
Next important point: students need to know some important dates and information. You’re probably thinking about George Washington and 1776 and all that, but there are far more important things these students need to know.
Namely, they should be aware that my birthday is on September 12th. My favorite color is purple, and I am a little too fond of pens that write smoothly. I also have a terrible sweet tooth.
Now, if they really want to get into my good books, there might be extra credit for the students who remember my kids’ birthdays. Fortunately, these all occur during the school year, so that’s six more chances for extra brownie points. (And speaking of brownies, I’m not averse to those, either.)
Six chances aren’t enough? Oh, fine – let’s toss my husband into the mix. Seven is a much more auspicious number, anyway, don’t you think? If you “want” to send in gift cards, here would be some good times to do it. I’ll arrange them chronologically for you, just because I remember what it was like to be on the other side of the supply list, and I want to ease the pain for the parents. Parents may want to commit this list to memory .
Special dates: October 8th, November 22nd, February 28th, March 4th, March 31st, May 5th, and May 30th. I realize you are going to feel embarrassed about sending in that one-dollar mug from Dollar Tree, so here’s what let’s do. Each child could just pick one of those dates and then send , we would in something sturdy just that once a year.
So that’s it for the teacher supply list. For now, at least…
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