published in The Fauquier Times-Democrat Weekend on June 3, 2011
Summer is almost here, and it is time to begin the annual pilgrimage to movie theaters in adjacent counties while complaining about the lack of one in Fauquier. Yes, I know you have a giant flat-panel TV with high-everything including the price tag. Plus, your home surround sound has enough satellite speakers to be classified by NASA, but if you watch a movie in the forest without spending $25 for a tub of popcorn and a couple of sodas, have you really watched a movie?
Regardless of the price, going to a movie theater with toddlers can be tricky, even if it is an animated kids’ movie. After all, very few young children can appreciate the entertainment value of sitting still and quiet in a darkened room. Any one of those conditions alone: being still, being quiet, or being left in the dark, is typically associated with punishment.
I remember the summer of 1992 when my eldest had just turned two. A Disney cartoon was playing where we lived in Long Island. When we got to the theater, we realized the Disney show would not be on for another forty-five minutes. Our apartment was a twenty-minute drive away. It was one of those classic dilemmas about the man waiting for a bus that is very late. If he begins walking, he will be extremely late, and you have to choose whether he starts walking or keeps waiting. We decided on another movie, figuring it was a movie, after all. I cannot recall the name of that movie because, as it turned out, I did not see much of it.
The first hour went okay. We had food and drink with which to amuse and occupy ourselves. Never mind that a medium tub (they serve you in containers fit to feed a farm animal) of popcorn and a drink cost more than lunch or the movies, but at least it served to keep the Creature quiet.
No sooner had the comestibles been consumed than my toddler began seeking the next form of entertainment. Little did I realize that I would be the one providing it. After some fidgeting, I heard those words, so musical and sweet to the mother who has been potty training her child, “I want to make poo-poo.” Wow! Could life get any better than this?
Beaming with pride and a sense of urgency unknown to the parents of the diaper-going masses, I bustled out holding the tiny hand of my little person. However, there was no reason to get happy; this was a fake-out. She toured the bathroom, hallway - every place where there was light and you didn’t have to sit still or be quiet. I tired of the game, and was no longer nervous of the dreaded “accident,” so we returned to our seats. A couple of minutes later, I heard “Poo-poo” again. This time it did not have such a magical or chiming quality, but, being a conscientious parent, I fell for the trap. And then, even one more time after that. My husband has always said that I’m gullible, and I think my kids have sensed it from their very beginnings.
At long last, my patience had worn thin. I could no longer remember the name of the characters in the movie, and I was acutely aware of the people behind us who must have suffered my head looming and ducking in their view of the screen three times now. I would not be suckered again. I was fully prepared for the next fake call of nature.
“Poo-poo,” came the little whisper and its accompaniment, the tug on the sleeve. (By now she had probably associated “poo-poo” with going for a stroll - perhaps she had some canine qualities?) I ignored her. “Mommy, poo-poo.” More ignoring. “MOMMY! Poo-poo.” I shushed the Creature. But I saw that this would not work for long, so I put my finger lengthwise in her mouth. She bit…rather hard. I tried to free my finger, but she was now exhibiting other, more disturbing, canine qualities. Finally, in desperation, I had to squeeze her cheeks in order to extract my finger. As soon as my finger was out, her voice bellowed all over the theater “SQUEEZING MY FACE?!”
I rushed out with the Creature, incredibly embarrassed and fearful of any social workers who might have been inside. We waited outside for the remainder of the movie, where we have largely remained as long as there has been a toddler in tow.
Last weekend was my youngest daughter’s 9th birthday. Happy Birthday, my darling Zita! We took in a movie at the Delco Movie Theater in Winchester (540-662-6800), that column reader Gina of Joan of Art Custom Framing had once emailed me about. At $ 2 per seat, cash only, it was just $16 for our family! At those prices, it’s okay that the two screens are showing slightly stale movies in a theater that hasn’t changed much since the 1970’s. Even if you don’t like the movie, the drive there is scenic enough to justify the trip.
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